Karen was 19 years old when she gave birth to Ashley Jade. She had been engaged to Ashley’s father, but they never married. Ashley was born 7 weeks early and weighed only 4 pounds and 6 ounces. When she came home from the hospital she was attached to a heart monitor and was so tiny that everyone was afraid to hold her - everyone except Karen. She was certain she could take care of Ashley and that she would be a good mother. Karen and Ashley lived with me for the first two and one-half years of Ashley’s life. Ashley was six years old when her mother died.

Karen was a good mother. She loved Ashley with all her heart and soul and Ashley loved and trusted her mother completely. Ashley’s heart is broken because her mother has left her. Karen and Ashley could be seen together everywhere. Their blond hair would be flying as they were driving down the road in Karen’s Geo Tracker. Karen liked to express herself by writing poetry, short stories and songs. Recently, while I was going through Karen’s personal possessions, I came across some things she had written down in a journal.

The following is what Karen wrote 17 days before she died:

7/29/98

1:00 AM

“I WANT… to make Ashley proud of me for the things and love given. I want her to have the best in life. She is my life. Without her I would not be aware of a future.”

“Ashley said a couple of weeks ago that she wanted to share a headstone. She does not ever want to part with me and I feel just the same. I pray to God we may live long, healthy and happy lives together. I hope He hears them. Ashley has been wanting to go to church and I really do think that would be good. Ashley speaks of death a lot. She is very scared of dying and scared for the ones she loves, even people/things she doesn't even know.”

“Ashley wants to pull over if people are stranded along the road, even puppies. Once I do she feels much better, but if I don't she worries about them and does not forget where they were.”

“I'm trying to teach her many things in life. I'm not sure why I do so often, but I feel it prepares her for what is to come. Such as Death. I feel I have overwhelmed my life in dwelling on the end of life rather a new beginning. I at times do think of death, but only because I am in fear of it. I fear no more chances. I try to portray good in everything. I defend myself and Ashley. I teach Ashley to stand for herself too.”

7-29-98

2:19 AM

VALUES TAUGHT & PRACTICE WHAT I TEACH

“Love - different kinds of love.
Mother-Daughter love = honesty, respect and never be afraid to come to me.”

“Accept people for who they are.”

“Be kind and giving.”

“Always be a friend.”

“Be independent.”

“Enjoy and respect nature.”

“Have goals.”

“Dream & fulfill.”


DEEP THOUGHTS

“Ashley & I are God's Angels. I feel it."

As I read these words, my heart sank. Karen knew she was right when she said she wouldn’t live to be 30, but she still had hope that she was wrong. She hoped for a man to love her and to love Ashley as if she were his own child. She wanted a home in the country with dogs and a few horses. She wanted peace of mind, true love and happiness. It is the same thing we all want and need.

God has been good to me and I am not angry at Him for taking my Karen away from me. I know it was His plan all along. I am, however, overcome with a terrible sadness and I grieve deeply for my daughter. I still see her backing out of my driveway and waving good-bye to Ashley and me. I still can feel her hugging me and telling me she loves me. And, I can still see her smile, hear her laughter and smell her perfume. God help me. I miss her so much. Each night at the close of my prayers, I say, “ God, please give Karen a hug for me and tell her how much I love her.”

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